Thoughts at Christmas

During the last few days I've done a lot of soul searching and some deep thinking. I've finally reached a point where all of the thoughts going through my head have coalesced.

Memories are how we store images from the past - they aren't real, dreams reach out to the future - they aren't real either so it's right now that we have to grab hold of love and happiness with both hands and hold it tight. Love and happiness are fleeting and if you aren't careful you lose them. The past and the future don't really exist except in our minds, all we really have is right now - don't waste it.

No one will ever replace, or could ever replace our memories of those we love - that's asking any of us to do something impossible. So I dream of adding memories of time spent together with those I love. And the only way to build those memories is to grab them here and now - and not waste them.

When each of our kids were born I didn't divide my love for my wife and share it with each of them. My love grew. And as each of them gets older the bond becomes even stronger - there were nights I couldn't sleep worrying about our son in Iraq, and I'm selfish because I should be worrying about all of the young men and women over there. And now my love is growing even more to include the love of my son's life. She has already become an important part of our lives and she will always hold a special place in our hearts. You don't divide love - it's not finite - it's infinite. There are no boundaries. Our capacity for love has no bounds.

Those we love are a part of us. And words can't flesh out emotions - even though I've tried. I have to admit that there are people who won't allow their love to grow and I pity them because they will never have what I have and they will never have what all those who love boundlessly have.

None of us know what the future has in store for us. I tell my son and his new bride that it's not going to be easy, real love never is - it's just as much tears and heartache as it is smiles and laughter - but grabbing happiness is important and holding on to love is even more important.

Still On Edge

Today my wife and I went grocery shopping - getting ready for the up coming Holiday. When we got home I pulled our van into the garage. While I unloaded our Soldier was sitting on the living room floor playing with his dog.

When I had the van empty I reached up, shut the tailgate and went in the house. As I entered I heard him say to his mom, "Yeah, it scared me. It reminded me of a mortar round going off."

Hopefully the uneasiness he felt at that moment will fade soon. His outward appearance indicates that he has readjusted to life back in the US but this incident shows that he is still living in Iraq.

He and I have talked about some of his experiences but now I realize that there are many stories I haven't heard and may never hear.

Wedding

We've come full circle. An engagement, October of 2003. A breakup that almost ended it all in February 2004. Reconciliation in March. And now a wedding in December. Iraq couldn't keep them apart. They survived when so many other couples lost love forever.

The ceremony was small - only about forty attending - but it was a moving experience. It could have been bigger, it could have been extravagant but there wasn't a need. What we experienced was wonderful in it's own right.

The two of them were incredibly calm - more so than the parents.

The superintendent of the school where the ceremony was conducted officiated for them. She said that the two of them had impressed her with their concentration on marriage and not on the wedding when they had met to discuss the ceremony. They knew exactly what they wanted in life and had no idea what they wanted for a wedding.

Pictures... And more...

Pictures were done at Glamour Shots. They did a marvolous job. THeir photos are going to be fantastic.

His fiance really liked a simple piece of costume jewelry that they used during the shoot. While they visited the jewelers to have the wedding band soldered to the engagement ring I searched the entire mall for a piece like the one she wore during the shoot. Couldn't find anything close.

I stopped back and bought the one at Glamour Shots for ten dollars. When I showed it to her she was thrilled! He looked at me and said, "Man, how is it that you can upstage my $3000 diamond ring with a $10 piece of junk? Look at the money I could have saved."

Preperations

My son's fiance and I - (she is living with us) met her mother at a school which had agreed to let us use a dormitory as a location for a wedding. I know, you're thinking a school, a dorm - what kind of wedding will this be?

Well, the building was built before the turn of the century and is made of stone, grand columns support a porch on the front. The floors inside the foyer are marble and a grand staircase rises from the foyer to the second floor. This is the perfect setting for a wedding.

The three of us were given a "tour" by a secretary. We then stood in front of the staircase and she asked us if we wanted to be there early on Monday, the day of the wedding, to decorate. Her mother said there would be no decorations.

Later, the secretary phoned me. There would be decorations. She had decided, after hearing our story of Iraq and it's affects on them, to call a greenhouse and a rental business to ask for donations. Both businesses came through.

My sister and her husband offered their beautiful home as a reception hall. I went to the grocery store and ordered a cake. My son and I stopped at the clothiers and picked out suits. The bride and her mother went gown shopping. Things started to fall into place quickly.

Meeting

We met at her parents home. Dinner and wine. It was nice though not really too relaxing. We were all on pins and needles...

After the meal we sat down to discuss "the problem". There was nothing to discuss. Her father basically apoligized to them and said that they would support her decision to marry our son. He asked her what date would work best.

She said, "The 20th."

We had only four days to plan a wedding...

I Get Lost

I'm sorry.
Why should I say I'm sorry?
If I hurt you,
You know you've hurt me too.

But you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing I can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

You're angry.
Why shouldn't you be angry?
With what we've been through,
Well I get angry too.

Eric Clapton

Argument

It was an argument - as is usually the case - that almost ended their wedding plans. She told him that they should wait until after the first of the year because her parents would lose money if they married before. Our son couldn't wait until after the first of the year. He had to be back in Fort Lewis on Jan 3rd - there just wasn't time after the 1st and before the 3rd. He told her they would have to wait until the summer of 2006 when he'd be out of the Army.

Argument.

He left her at her parents home - both upset, both wrestling with how to make their dream come true.

She called me. Calmly she told me that they had argued about the wedding date. Calmly she told me that he had left. Then she broke down and cried. She said that she loves him and doesn't want to lose him. And at that point her words were lost in sobs.

I told her that I would "make" him call her when he returned home. How I'd do this I had no idea...

Just before he came home (he had gone out to a resteraunt to eat a bite and think) his fiance knocked on our door. When he arrived they went to the family room to "discuss" the situation.

We gave them the space they needed to work things out. Then she talked to my wife and me, alone, to ask us to help her make their dream come true. I went with her to talk to the two of them. Hearing the entire story, I sensed that her parents were using whatever means they could to prevent their marriage.

Phone Call at Dinner

Tonight when we sat down to eat her cell rang. She answered, talked at the table for a couple minutes and then went downstairs to talk. She was gone ten minutes. When she came back she was a totally changed person. Quiet, tense, wouldn't look up from her plate.

When we were about finished eating she said, "I suppose I should tell you what my dad said." Somehow I knew it was mom or dad on the phone. "My dad wants us to wait until next year to get married because it will cost him $3500 if I get married this year." And then the tears welled up in her eyes.

My wife looked at me and asked, "What does he mean by that?"

I said, "Tax deduction."

The announcement sort of put a damper on the evening. My wife tried to brighten the mood by saying that my sister wanted to have everybody over for drinks and a little food after the ceremony.

Our guest didn't look up from the table and said, "Well I doubt that my parents will come. They'll be too busy." Then she looked up at my wife and said, "I'm serious."

Let It Grow

I'm standin' at the crossroads
tryin' to read the signs
to tell me which way I should
go to find the answer
and all the time I know
plant your love and let it grow.

Let it grow, let it grow,
let it blossom, let it flow.
In the sun and in the snow
love is lovely, let it grow.

Thanks Clapton

Determined

This isn't the only word to describe her. She's caring, loving, funny and sometimes displays a wisdom that is older than her years. I am referring to our sons fiance.

She wants to marry him and she is determined not to wait. She wants to get married before our son returns to Fort Lewis. She wants to marry him in December. My wife and I are happy for them and wish them all the best. Waiting until the time is right seems like the logical thing to do but when is love ever logical?

Almost since the day he arrived back in the US, and certainly since the day she received her new ring, she has talked about it. My son, not wanting to get his hopes up, isn't nearly as excited as she is. There have been too many times in the past when others have swayed her decisions and convinced her that another course of action was in her best interest.

I talked to her about her desire to marry now and not to wait. She has always wanted a grand wedding and to celebrate with all her friends and family - why the change in plans? To put it in the simplist terms - life is too short.

She realizes, just as my wife and I realize, that we are incredibly lucky to have him here with us. She realizes that fate could have stepped in and taken her love away from her. She is determined not to let anything stand in the way of her love for him. Now we know, but she has yet to talk to her parents...

Cart Before the Horse

They are spending a week together up north. I got a phone call from them yesterday. She said, 'Hi, we sort of put the cart before the horse."

Immediately I had visions of her being pregnant. It's amazing how quickly things fly through your head. I started trying to figure out how this could have happened - he hasn't been home all that long, etc, etc.

Then she went on to say that they had just left the store - they had to get things for the baby.
So I said, "What?!?" (I mean, really, of all the responses I could have come up with I picked a single word.)

She started giggling at that point and said, "We bought a puppy for Christmas!"

Oh my God! I think baby news would have been better at that point. They picked out a Great Dane. Seven weeks old and already larger than most normal dogs.

He got on the phone at that point and told me about how it all went down. Stopping to look at cats in the beginning and falling in love with a puppy.

"What are you going to do with a puppy? She can't keep it in the apartment and you can't keep it in the barracks."

"I called "Doc" back at Fort Lewis and he said he'd help out until we get a place of our own."
Actually, I have the distinct impression that "grandpa and grandma" will be taking care of a puppy for the next few months.

I told him that they had to get married now, they had the "kid" to think about. He laughed while I broke out in a sweat....

Christmas Leave

The three of us picked him up at the airport on Saturday afternoon. His month's leave has started! It's been two Christmases since we've all been together - this should certainly be a joyous Holiday Season.

We spent the afternoon shopping and eating. Had a good time.

When we got home we set up our Christmas tree, the two of them helping. When we were about finished he asked me to pull out some of the photos he took while in Iraq. We huddled around the lamp in the living room. He went through each of them, naming off his buddies in the photos as he went. Telling us about the photos.

I recognized some of the names, I remembered them from the casualty reports I had read. Jake Demand, Scott Thorne, Mike Oreskovic, Travis Majors.... I wanted to cry right then and there - it was all I could do to stay calm while looking at the pictures.

Jake is gone, Scott was shot in the head - partially paralyzed and still unable to speak, Mike lost an arm just below the shoulder in an explosion, and Travis was shot in the back of the neck while on patrol and is paralyzed.

Our son wears a metal bracelet on his wrist in memory of Sgt. Jacob Demand.

I don't know how he is able to handle it. I wasn't there, he was, and just seeing their photos tore me up inside. I suppose he can accept the things he knows he can not change. Maybe that's a life lesson his time in Iraq has taught him.

These memories, all of these young soldiers will be with us this Christmas - in our thoughts and prayers. Knowing that for some families this Christmas won't be as joyous as ours puts a different light on this Christmas season for me.